Funny Forwards

A Lebanese, a Syrian, and a Black man are all in a hospital.
All of their wives are having a baby. After a while the doctor walks in and announces that all of their wives gave birth to healthy baby boys all within minutes of each other. The men start celebrating and congratulating each other, but then the doctor says, "But I have a bit of bad news". The men fall silent. He continues, "The nurse got confused and we don't know which boy belongs to whom."

At that the Lebanese man runs into the maternity ward and grabs the black baby screaming, "This one is mine!" The doctor runs after him and says, "But sir, both you and your wife are white." The Lebanese man looks at him and replies, "Listen, one of the other two is Syrian, I am NOT taking any chances!"
[Syrian Babies, sender - Tania]

An American man decided to write a book about famous churches
around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about famous American cathedrals. So he bought a plane ticket and went to New Orleans. He was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call." The American, intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Italy. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in the USA and he asked a nearby nun what it's purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you" said the American.

He then traveled to France, Sweden, Germany, Syria, Israel... and in every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
Finally, the American arrived to Lebanon, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The American was surprised, so he asked the priest about the sign.

"Father, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but everywhere else the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

Bouna Tanios smiled and answered, "You're in Lebanon now, son. It's a local call."
[Local Call, sender - Laurie]

Bush was sitting in his Oval office wondering
which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Bush" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Abu el Abed, down 'ere at Qahwet le'jezz in Beirut. I am callin' to tell ya dat we are officially declaring war on you, yes you!"

"Well" GWB replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Abu el Abed, after a moments calculation,
"there is myself, me cousin Mustafa, me next-door-neighbor Abou khaled, and the whole team from the Qahwe.
That makes eight!"

GWB paused.
"I must tell you Abu el Abed, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez!" said Abu el Abed.
"I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Abu el Abed called again.
"Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Mr. Abed?" GWB asked.

"Well sir, we have two Mercedes 180, and a truck."

GWB sighed.
"I must tell you Abu el Abed, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers.
Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Ya lateef", said Abu el Abed, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Abu el Abed called again the next day.
"Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We modified a helicopter with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four more neighbors have joined us as well!"

GWB was silent for a minute then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you Abu el Abed that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.
My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Lah lah lah lahhh," said Abu el Abed, "I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Abu el Abed called again the next day.
"Mr. Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said GWB.
"Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Abu el Abed,
"We've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Moral of the story: LEBANESE CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!
[Confidence, sender - Nada]

After having dug 100m...
British scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came with the conclusion that their ancestor already had a telephone network one millennium ago. So as not to be outdone, in the weeks to follow, the French dug 200m [100m deeper than their neighbors] and headlines in the French newspapers read: "French scientists found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Brits."

One week later the Lebanese press reported the following: "After having dug as deep as 500 m, the Lebanese scientists found absolutely nothing and concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using cellulars.
[Rebuilding the Past, sender - Dayana]

Three Lebanese and three Syrians are traveling by train to a watch a game.
At the station, the three Syrians each buy tickets and watch as the three Lebanese buy a single ticket for all of them.
"How are the three people going to travel with only one ticket? "asks a Syrian.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Lebanese.

They all board the train. The Syrians take their respective seats but all three Lebanese cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges
with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Syrians see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the game, they decide to copy the Lebanese on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Lebanese don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Syrian.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Lebanese.
When they board the train the three Syrians cram into a bathroom and the three Lebanese cram into another bathroom nearby.
Once the train leaves the station, one of the Lebanese leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Syrians are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
[Train Trip, sender - Dayana]

On the sixth day...
God turned to the Angels and said:
"Today, I am going to create a land called Lebanon, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of snow, beautiful sparkly lakes cutting forests full of all kinds of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Lebanese, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on earth."

"But Lord", asked the Angels, "don't you think you are being too generous to the Lebanese?

"Not really", replied God, "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them!"
[How Lebanon was made, sender - Dayana]

One hand on wheel, one hand out of window: Chicago.
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
One hand on horn,
one hand greeting,
one ear on cell phone,
one ear listening to loud music,
foot on accelerator,
eyes on female pedestrians,
conversation with someone in next car: Welcome to Lebanon!
[How to tell where a driver is from, sender - Dayana]

A man dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Lebanese hell and finds that there is a very long
line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Lebanese devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so
many people waiting to get in?" Because there is never any electricity,
so the electric chair does not work, someone stole all the nails, and the
devil used to be a government employee, so he comes in, punches his
time-card and then goes back home."
[Lebanese Hell, sender - Nada]

If a fly falls in a cup of coffee:
1. American: Throws his cup away and walks out.

2. Englishman: Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee.

3. Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee away.

4. Japanese: Drinks the coffee with insect as it is coming free.

5. Frenchman: Sells the coffee to the Englishman and insect to the
Chinese and gets a new cup of coffee.

6. Israeli: Accuse the Palestinian for throwing insect into his coffee.
Asks the American for Military aid.
Takes loan from America to buy one more cup of coffee.
[sender - Dayana]

Top 16 reasons why it's great to be Lebanese!
16. The best bull-shitters in the world.

15. Ski in the winter, swim in the summer, get stuck in traffic all year round!

14. We have a civil war once every 30 years, just in time for when it gets boring.

13. Fairouz!

12. Lebanese? Arab? Phoenician? Greek? Martian?

11. Who needs Beverly Hills? We have Kasliik and Verdun!

10. Official "Old Mercedes' Retirement Home"

9. Hummos! Tabbouli! Baba Ghannouj! Oh, and Almaza!

8. Abou El-Abed jokes.

7. We Love all our neighbors and they Love us too.

6. Cell Phones 'R Us!

5. Phrases like "ti 'burni nshallah" and "shou fi ma fi?"

4. More is better philosophy (Top 10? Leysh habibi? Top 16 is better!!)

3. Honest politicians.

2. We Love to live. We live to Love.

And the #1 reason why it's great being Lebanese...

1. 68 religions, 3 languages, 2 forms of currency and 1 GREAT PEOPLE!
[sender - Athalie]

Top ten reasons the hijackers were not Lebanese..
10. 8:45AM is too early for most Lebanese.

9. Lebanese are always late, they would've missed all 4 flights.

8. Hot girls on the planes would distract them.

7. Once in the air, they would change their mind.

6. Free food and drinks on the plane.

5. The suspected car found outside of Boston Airport
    would be a BMW with chrome wheels ..not a Ford.

4. They would start arguing with each other over who will fly the plane.

3. Everyone wants to be the boss and would start a big fight on the plane.

2. Their mothers would have told them to be home for dinner at 6PM.

1. They would have gossiped to everyone months before they were going to do it.
[sender - Nicole]

You Know You've Lived in the Middle East Too Long When...
                You're not surprised to see a goat in the passenger seat.
You expect the confirmation on your airline ticket to read "insha'allah"
                You don't expect to eat dinner before 10:30 p.m.
You need a sweater when it's 80 degrees outside.
                Your idea of housework is leaving a list for the maid.
You believe that speed limits are only advisory.
                You have no problem with tractors driving 40kph on the highway.
You think all cops drive Audis and Mercedes Benz.
                You know whether or not you are within missile range of Iraq.
You get excited and spread the news when "Oreo" cookies show up at the grocery store.
                You know which end of a shawarma to unwrap first.
You think that the further you inch into the middle of an intersection, the faster the light will turn green.
                You consider it normal for the same section of the road to be dug up three times by contractors in the space of a few weeks.
You think that all gas stations are made of marble.
                You can receive every TV station crystal clear except the local one.
You get used to using the cold water tap to get hot water during the summer.
                You make left turns from the far right lane without a second thought.
You expect gold for every birthday.
                You think Pepsi begins with a "B"
You think that a box of Kleenex belongs on every dinner table.
                You think water only comes in bottles.
You understand that when someone says "Bukra [tomorrow], Insha'Allah" to you it really means "Sometime during this calendar year"...if you're lucky!
[sender - anjeLL]

1.You do not need to care about defending your country, 
        Syrians are handling the task.
2. You do not need to worry about the continuity of your silly TV channels,
        Saudis are still watching.
3. You do not need to worry about getting rid of "Shia Muslims" in the south,
        Israel is taking care of them.
4. You do not need to worry about choosing a president for your country,
        Syrians will do it for you.
5. You do not need to care about extra income,
        your wife will figure out a way.
6. You do not need to care about having sex with your wife if you are tired,
        all Arabs are very much willing to do it for you.
7. You do not need to learn much about car brands,
        BMW is still the Lebanese only choice?
8. You do not need to take "Viagra",
        a walk through Verdun street will give you the same results???!!!
9. You do not need to worry about passing away early,
        "Sabah" is still alive.
10. Finally, You do not need to convince people that you are a good Lebanese,
        they already know that all Lebanese are all bull-shitters.
[10 Good reasons for being Lebanese, sender - Dayana]

There was a Lebanese man, a Syrian man and Claudia Schiffer
sitting together in a carriage in a train going through the Provence.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Lebanese man were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Syrian man had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Syrian man was thinking:
"The Lebanese fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The Syrian fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Lebanese man and got slapped for it."

And the Lebanese was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Syrian bastard again.
[In the scope of the Syrian occupation, sender - May]

           
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